Homophobic Article in العائلة

I found a lovely magazine next to my mom's bed today. At first glance, I thought it was a Star Wars fan thing since I noticed a Sith Lord staring at me, but oh how I was mistaken...

(Sorry for the bad quality)

"Join the dark side, my children. I will rape you!"

So the pope is waving at you, and you read something interesting. "مثلية جنسية"... Curious. 
Then you search for the article... 
An amazing title has been chosen for that:

"Homosexuality in my house!!! *three exclamation points for dramatic effect* What should I do?" 

What should you do? Accept and love your son or daughter. 
That's how simple it is.
But oh nooo! Let us write a 2-page article about what you should do.

"I FUCKING LOVE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!"  

The article starts with touching stories of parents who found out about their kid's sexuality, then more touching stories about kids who are still in the closet.

"Oh, daddy is so proud of me... But if only he knew." 

Lovely.

But what is homosexuality? Please, do tell us.

To boost her credibility, our lovely, talented, prominent journalist asked a psychologist about it. Good job!
(This is also when she starts using شذوذ instead of مثلية جنسية, very professional) 
Dr. Aoun explains:

Well, first of all, you can know your children are homosexuals when they have some kind of "deviant attitudes" (I think she meant some kind of symptoms). "When your son acts like a girl, and your daughter acts like a boy, you can know they are homosexual" 

WAW! Did you find that in the dictionary? Oh no! Our psychologist is too smart for dictionaries. "Let's make up our own definition", she thought, "mine makes more sense!" 


"But why?! Why is my son acting like this?!", cries the desperate parent! Let's look at the wonderful, amazing picture that comes with our golden article. 

I am not a boy. I am not a girl. I am gay! And I am smoking a cigarette. Rawr, beware.

"So how did my son end up like this? Is it my fault?!" asks the parent.


YES, IT IS!
Miss Nadine explains: 

Well, it all goes back to early education. When a father is rough and violent with his daughter, how can you expect her to grow into a healthy straight woman? When a mother is too 'dominant' in her son's life and education, of course he's going to turn gay... 

 She also mentions the Oedipus complex at some point, and adds lots and lots of exclamation points for drama. Did this woman even go to school or something?

Anyway, desperate parent has more questions. Yes, do ask:
"Doctor, doctor! Can I cure my son?!"

YES YOU CAN! 
Yaaaaaayyy! You are not doomed!
No, you aren't! You can cure your son with psychological treatment. Oh wait! I'm a psychologist!
What? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? More clients for me! Yey, yey, yey!


Happy Dr. Aoun is happy. 

"Any other tips, Doctor?!"

YES! 
Our talented journalist found a great way to present her little tips and advice.

"BUBBLES!! I DID THAT ALL BY MYSELF DADDY!" - Miss Nadine showing the article to her proud parents.

The first orange bubble is praising article 534. Your son/daughter can go to jail for being gay. How awesome is that?! Oh yay, now all the Lebanese youth is going to grow into healthy straight people, just like God wanted. 

The green bubble is more... practical? It gives prevention techniques for worried parents. 

YES! You can prevent homosexuality!! If you are a dad, be gentle to your daughter and give your son attention. If you are a mom, try to be nice and not too dominant. 

And don't forget! If both parents give equal attention to their children, there is no way they will end up gay! 

"Yay, thank you Doctor! Now I am gonna be a good Christian and send my child to the shrink and then we'll all go to heaven!" 

Hah... bitches, you are all going to hell.