Optimism

My day started with an email from my dad giving a very homophobic and insulting point of view about same-sex marriage.

Luckily, I have learned to be immune to all this and forgot all about it when I came back from school.

However, as I was having dinner with my family, something about gay marriage came up on the news. So my dad had to ask us if we received his hilarious email. I didn’t answer because I was not in the mood to have this talk again, but oh no, he insisted.

So he starts saying the exact same things he has been saying for 5 years about the bible, god and society to then turn to polygamy, pedophilia or whatever.

I didn’t give him any attention until I realized he was not saying what I expected him to say.

He was talking about freedom, freedom to live your life as you wish. He was saying that two men or two women could love each other.

I just wanted to shake him and ask him what the hell he smoked, drank or inhaled... until he decided to give his opinion about adoption. Did I ever mention that he didn’t believe in evolution? So he went on and on about how god created a man and a woman and each of them have a role in the child’s upbringing.

My sister and I gave up ten minutes later. You just can’t argue with a man who believes the universe was created in seven days.

But I was smiling. I was happy because two years ago my father didn’t even believe that two people of the same sex could love each other, because two years ago he wouldn’t even listen to us when we tried to talk to him about it.

This is when I remembered what my sister told me a couple of weeks ago:

“I’m trying to get dad used to the idea that you might be gay, to help you come out to him.”

She did a great job and I love her for it. 

Myth Busting!

Ok, I came out to my friend. What happens next?
You don't know how stuffed with wrong ideas your friend's mind can be, so you have to be here to answer his questions. It might be hard for him/her too!

Here are some commons reactions you might get:

How do you know that you're gay if you never had sex yet?
How do you know that you're straight if you never had sex yet?
Exactly the same thing. If you never had sex with anyone doesn't mean you don't know who you want to have sex with!
You don't need to taste both flavors to see which one you prefer, then decide that you're gay or straight.
Sexuality isn't a choice!
(But then again, that is if you are sure about your sexuality. If you're confused, that's a whole other story)
People say that, a man is happy as long as his penis is. (Same thing applies to woman, trust me, they are as dirty as us, if not more!)
Well, your penis is happy when you see a hot woman. My penis is happy when I see a hot guy.
Therefore, guys make me happy and I want to date guys.

If you're in a relationship, are you going to be the man or the woman?
This is the funniest one I got!
If we keep the bedroom away from the topic, it's still called same-sex relationship for a reason!
Every guy has a type I guess, but if you're macho or super manly, you don't have to go out with some feminine guy just cause there has to be a "woman" in the relationship!
A feminine guy is a guy.
Moreover, we all grow up with this imagine of the perfect opposite-sex couple.
The man who goes to work, provide for the family.
The stay-at-home mom, who cooks dinner.
Now more and more we can spot a lot of couples that do not follow this stereotype: Single moms or dads, stay-at-home dads...

Does that mean you'll never fall in love?
A relationship is based on love and nothing else. Being with someone from the same sex as you does not mean this person only pleases you in bed, this person also makes you happy.
Gay relationships are not only about sex!

Are you mentally ill?
Being gay is not a mental illness! It is not some kind of abnormal sickness, and it is not freaking contagious!
Yes, the suicide rate for gay teenager is higher than for normal teenager.
But as long as you haven't been gay, you cannot imagine the confusion, the trust-issues, the challenges, the loneliness, the homophobia, the bullying, the name-calling every gay man or woman has to face every day!
So, the depressions are caused only by the society we live in.

Don't forget that every time you come out to someone, every time you clear these ideas up, every time someone accepts you for who you are, you are making this world a better place and fighting against homophobia and ignorance! 

Express Yourself

Well, sometimes, when you're mad , depressed, when you're having problems, when you just can't take it anymore, you just want to talk, get everything out.
But, as much as they try, your friends can't always understand your issues.

That's why everything gay person needs gay friends.
However, since homosexuality is such a taboo subject, since coming out is so hard, since homophobia is so normal, how are you supposed to know who is gay and who's not? And how are people supposed to know if you're gay?
How are you supposed to meet other gay men or women?


I've been receiving some mails from gay teenagers telling me how painful being lonely is.
And I totally agree. I don't know how I would have handled everything if I hadn't started this blog.

Seriously, how can you meet a gay man?
I can't imagine anyone coming out at school to anyone else than your close friends.
Gossips travel so fast, you can't trust everyone. And with gossips come the funny rumors.
Listening to Lady Gaga is like running naked with a rainbow flag all around the school.

So, back to the subject. Adults always have Manjam and those gay-friendly pubs. Moreover, some people do not realize they are gay until their 20s or even later.

So where does that leave us?
I have never had a boyfriend but luckily I am over my I-will-die-alone/just need somebody to love/total depression/loneliness phase. Well, actually, I am still lonely but now I don't really mind.
Being single doesn't bother me anymore. It is actually great!


But being lonely is not only about not being into a relationship.
Sometimes you need a friend that can really understand you and help you, give you advices.
A way to express yourself. 


I have met some awesome people via this blog (& I don't think any of them is a weird creepy fat old pedophile), and I think everyone deserves that chance!


I've been searching on the internet and found a lot of UK or USA based forums for gay kids which were awesome!
When I narrowed my search to Lebanese forums, I couldn't find anything that did not have "sex buddy", "horny bottom" or "sexy muscular top" in the description.

Way to go...

Coming Out - 3

Don't forget to read part 1 and part 2!

Accepting yourself for who you are is still something you have to deal with internally, alone. It's something you can control, but coming out to your friends is something you can't plan, you always have to expect the unexpected and deal with your friend's reaction.
Of course there are some friends you can trust, someone you know will understand you and always be there for you.

That friend for me was C.

When I came back from England, my friends saw that change in me, I couldn't pretend anymore. I told C that I had something important to tell her but I couldn't do it in front of her. So I waited until one day we were chatting on MSN to tell her. I was scared and stressed, she first asked if I was joking, a reaction that I expected. Then when she finally took me seriously, she directly told me that nothing mattered to her, that I was still the friend she always knew. :-)

It wasn't until a couple of weeks later that I told another friend, S. We met at the mall and spent the afternoon together then I told her. She stopped and looked at me. I guess that wasn't very subtle! She took more time to accept it, but again, nothing changed in our friendship.

I guess girls can accept their friend's homosexuality easier than guys.

The first guy I came out, J, didn't react in a good way at all. Again, we were chatting online and I told him. He said he needed time, so I gave him time. I mean it took me 15 years to get over it, he could have all the time he needed.

I asked him two things, two simple things. Try to keep this for himself and accept me for who I am.

Three days later, I was talking to S about it;

'Maybe he told someone!'

'Noo he would never do that!'

Then she randomly hung up and called me 5 minutes later, telling me that he told my best friend, A about it.

I knew A was homophobic, he told me he thought that being gay was a mental disease so I wanted to take my time to break the news to him. Weirdly enough, he's the one whose reaction shocked me the most, in a good way.

I was talking to him later, told him I was sorry he had to heard it from J and that I was planning on telling him
as soon as possible. His answer? 'I knew it!'

More than a year ago, I came out to him, he told me I wasn't gay, he told me it was just a phase, he told me he didn't believe me. I forgot all about that! But, he did believe me after all. Even if he doesn't understand me, A accepted me and is really cool about my sexuality! We spent some time together that week, talking and I realized that I couldn't wish for a better friend. He has always been there for me.

J on the other hand has been a total jerk, an asshole. He told C that he tried to 'change me', to 'make me straight again'. He destroyed our friendship, but were we really friends?

How can a friend act like this?

He is the kind of guy that depends on his manhood. The kind of guy who uses 'gay' as an insult (and he still
doesn't bother using it in front of me).

So here's the example of a friend, and the example of a jerk.

A friend can change; he would do anything to accept you for who you are.

A jerk doesn't even know who he is, he expect you to just be there when he needs you, when he isn't even here when you need him.

Anyway, who is he to accept me or not? Am I some kind of issue he has to live with? I'm sick of waiting to see if he's going to talk to me again one day. He doesn't deserve a friend like me.

The last friend I came out to was Rita. I've never really been close to her but I knew that she couldn't react badly! The woman would give her life to protect LGBT rights! (No she's not gay!) I told her that I wanted to write a blog and then sent her the link to my first post. After she read it she was like;

'Oh! You're gay! I had no idea! That's cool!'

Coming out to my friends was the best thing that ever happened to me. I got closer to some of them, got to know them better and better. But I also realized that I was better off without some people.

So... That's it! I hope that this will be helpful to some of you who are still unsure.

Coming Out - 2

Dont forget to read part 1 and part 3!

Why did I stop pretending?

Have you ever kept a secret for so long, buried it so deep inside of you that your lie became your reality, that lying became intuitive?
I never wanted that for me! But I knew that I was slowly starting to lose my identity, my reality... myself!
That's when I started looking for blogs, forums or whatever; just to be myself for a couple of minutes every day.
But that of course wasn't enough...

I knew I had to come out, but one thing stopped me from doing so.
Coming out in Lebanon means being ready to see the people you could always count on abandon you, ready to risk everything you have.
People gossip, a lot. Men, women, teenagers, adults.
Sometimes you can't even trust your best friend.
I wondered; why should I take this risk? What's in it for me?

But then I went to Spain, after gay marriage has been legalized. I've walked in the streets of Madrid, where two men can hold each other’s arm, where they can hug or even kiss, where they sit together in the park without anyone judging them or making any comments.
And then I went to England, alone with a friend. That's where I lived the life I've always dreamed of.
No more lies, just myself. No hate, just open-minded people and tolerance.
Now that I've seen what my life was like, out of the closet, when I realized what I was missing by pretending being someone I wasn't, I decided that I had to tell my friends.
The risk couldn't stop be anymore.
The risk? What risk? Lose a couple of friends and survive bullying?
This was nothing! Nothing compared to the risk of losing the happiest years of my life, trying to keep a secret that will one day be revealed.

Where did I find strength to come out?
I knew I had two choices.
Live my life pretending to be straight, pretending to be happy;
Or take all the risks it takes to be myself, and keep in mind that it gets better, that one day I will get to my brighter future, the future I dream of.

Coming Out - 1

Don't forget to read part 2 and part 3!

It took me a while to write this story down, but I wanted it to be perfect: Honest and helpful...

Sharing coming out stories became a trend on the internet, on YouTube, and social networks. But I searched and searched through the Lebanese blogsphere and couldn't find anything related to coming out.

So I thought of taking the initiative, sharing my experience, in hope that others will do so.
I find this very useful for unsure people, because it has been useful to me. Reading about other people's experience, comparing it with your own, can make you discover things you never noticed about your life.
That's why I am writing about my coming out, even if only some of my close friends know about my sexuality.
I will tell you, how I came out to myself, where I found the courage to come out to my friends and how I did so.

How did I accept myself? I really can't answer that question precisely. I guess I have never seen myself as different when I was younger. I have never seen myself as 'gay'. Maybe because my friends didn't start showing interest in woman, maybe because I thought that I was going through some kind of phase.
Well that was before I was around 14. This is when my friends started talking about that girl's boobs, that girl's ass, or that girl's whatever. I never really paid attention to that.
My father made me realize I was gay. He was talking to my sister about homosexuality. My father is very religious... extremely religious. I still remember what he said: "Bi 'arfouneh haydoleh! Hayda chi mich tabi3eh! C'est contre les lois de la nature! Akid Allah ma khala'on hek..."
(They disgust me! It is unnatural, against the laws of nature. I'm sure that God didn't create them like this.)
I don't know why, but after this I realized that I wasn't going through any phase, that I shouldn't ignore my feelings anymore, that I had to try to find who I am.


You might notice that this is only a part of my coming out. I am writing this very slowly, trying to pay attention to every detail.
I also didn't want to keep my blog empty for too long, so I decided to post what I came up with so far.