Monday, March 26, 2012

Childishness & Competitiveness

Warning: If you have, in any way, left your childhood and high-school years behind, if you might be bothered by childish behavior, if you cannot bear the stubbornness and stupidity of teenagers, do NOT read any further. 

This school has a way of turning any average student who steps into its ground into a competitive son of a bitch. So when a little kid, the poor little very very competitive R, first walked into Jamhour, he turned into the devil's spawn.

Used to being top of his class, he never really put a lot of effort into his schoolwork. However, when he received his last transcript and saw he was second of his class, the dormant devil in his finally woke up.

Rumors spread about how crazy he became. He was working so hard I doubt he had time to shower. It has been said that he started talking alone. He was not himself anymore.

Bullying and rumors. That's one of my specialities. I have defended poor little R, telling everyone how he wanted to study in the USA, how hard it is to get accepted there and how hard it is to pay for college.
Every time he made a mean comment in class, I would burst out laughing, making everyone believe it was a joke.

R saw every test as an opportunity to prove that he was smarted then me. Every day, every class, everything he ever did had just one purpose.

So little me just kept on defending him, pitying him a little bit, but never showing it.
Until little R decided to make everything personal.

I don't know what he did, he might have just googled my name, he might have hacked into my computer, I don't know what he did to find my blog.
He forced me to come out to him.
I did not mind. I never pay a lot of attention to this.

But every man has his limits.
After seeing R cheat on his last math test, a friend whispered to me 'I need to talk to you after the bell rings'.

So the bell rang, and that friend came.
   'He hates you, you know that?'
   'I know'
I started laughing.
   'He is spreading awful rumors about you'

Well, that was enough to make my smile fade away.
   'The rumors are true'
This is all I said before leaving class. I was mad, oh so very mad. How can competitiveness get someone to do this kind of thing? This poor little honest R was now turned into a rumor-spreading bitch.
This was useless anyway. Everyone at school knows I'm gay.

So I told him. I told him how much I pitied him. How much I pitied his life. How everyone hated him, how everything he does makes everyone furious.
I hurt him and oh, did it feel good.
For six month I have defended this son of a bitch. For six month I have been nothing but nice and this is how I get rewarded.

Now, I am watching Mean Girls (for the very first time) and I am thinking about how exhausting it is to be the bigger man, how easy it is to be a bitch.

And now I am reading this again and realizing how childish it might seem.
But this is how some people act. And I hope that one day, poor little R will grow up. I really do hope so. 

Sunday, March 4, 2012


Today my dad called me materialistic.
Why? Because I refused to go to church with him.

So now all atheists are materialistic because they have no spiritual life.
But what kind of spiritual life do Christians lead?

They are fools, fools who refuse to open their eyes.
They blindly follow the crowd. They follow their fathers and their mentors, because they have been raised to believe that there is a deity actually leading the crowd.
Maybe if they open their eyes, they could see that this crowd is just wandering, that there is nobody leading it.
Or maybe is the crowd too thick for them to see through it?

All I know is that they do not think, they follow.
They follow rules and boundaries, but who set these rules?
A man desperate enough to become a priest.
A man who preaches about love and peace but rapes little kids.
A man who tells us to give our money to the poor but waves his million-dollar ring, his million-dollar sceptre and wears his million-dollar hat with pride and joy.

You are the one with no spiritual life, with no social values. You are the blind follower who just nods and accept everything that is thrown to him.

I think.
I have principles and values. And even if I will walk alone, I will stick to these values.

You have a non-existent leader.