Monday, December 10, 2012

From Beirut to New York City

My brother always told me that if I had a chance to leave for college, I would most probably never come back to Lebanon. Life is so much easier abroad, more opportunities, better jobs, better everything...
My friends always told me that if I had a chance to leave for college, I would be the first one to forget about them (yeah, thank you for that guys!). I could easily start a new life and forget everything about my past.
I never disagreed with them but today everything has changed.

College seemed so far away a month ago.
This morning, I woke up expecting my suitcase to be packed and ready to go.

It is all I can think about, even if I'm not leaving before August. These are going to be the longest 8 month of my life but I am grateful for that. I want to enjoy every second of my last year in school with all these amazing people because, a year from now, we will all be scattered around the world.

All these thoughts are rushing to my head now that I got my acceptance letter. I am so psyched to be going to the best university of all times in the most beautiful city in the world but still afraid of living alone in a place where there is nobody I know and most of all, sad to be leaving everything behind.

It is only now that I realize I won't be able to live with myself if I never come back to Lebanon. I can't just ignore that last 18 years of my life, this place shaped me and made me who I am, from the streets that I know like the back of my hand to the man who sold me my first ice-cream, my first bottle of wine, my first pack of cigarettes, from the random strangers who smile at me in the street to my closest friends with whom I spent the best years of my life, from the welcoming smell of home when I leave for too long to my family that I never loved more than today.

I spent the last 3 years of my life working towards leaving this country and now I only have 8 month to make up for all this lost time. And even if I do make the best out of my remaining days here, I am not ready to say goodbye.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Two Years & Two Weeks

I completely missed my blog's birthday and now I feel bad about it... Worst part is that I only remembered after my friend told me about her boyfriend forgetting about their first year anniversary.

I'm not being very active in here anyway.
It's not that I finally got a life after all this time (I spend my days watching Saint Seiya and procrastinating) but for some reason I am not motivated anymore.

Last month's catastrophe really put me down. I'm in this hate-everything-that-is-even-remotely-related-to-Lebanon mood, which explains why I watch Japanese animes and read mangas all day long.

But this weekend I'll be volunteering at Sassine so I hope that'll make me feel better.
Meanwhile I'll just try to keep my hormones level to a minimum.

Anyway, my blog gets a very special cake for its second birthday. Yay Obama!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them. 
- Charlie

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

La French Touch

It is always good to have a couple of French songs in your playlist, here's what you'll find in mine!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

The Forum

If you have ever tried to find an online LGBT community in Lebanon, you must have stumbled upon some sex forum or dating site.
Well, sometimes people are looking for advices, someone who can answer the questions they can't ask their family or friends.

This is why the Lebanese LGBT forum is being launched. To offer everyone a safe place where they discuss practically anything all while staying anonymous.

Sharing your story is important, but not always easy. It does not only help you get rid of all the negativity you are keeping to yourself, but it also helps others who are facing similar problems.

I am calling every man and woman to gather their courage and write in that forum, it could be anything, from a simple hello to your whole life story. Everything is worth sharing and I can assure you that people will read what you have to say.

Hope to see you there!

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Senior Year

Well, I really don't know what to write because senior year hasn't started yet. But it will, in 3 days. And I don't want it to, because if it starts, I will realize that it will someday end.

I know how emotionally charged these 9 month are going to be, I can see all the tears, the joy, the fun, the goodbyes... All these are necessary for us to move to the next step.

And as much as I was looking forward to college, I kind of feel safe in my routine.
It's crazy... All this seemed so far away in my mind. I would have never thought about all this a week ago but it all comes to me now. It's just crazy...

Monday, July 16, 2012

Homophobic Article in العائلة

I found a lovely magazine next to my mom's bed today. At first glance, I thought it was a Star Wars fan thing since I noticed a Sith Lord staring at me, but oh how I was mistaken...

(Sorry for the bad quality)

"Join the dark side, my children. I will rape you!"

So the pope is waving at you, and you read something interesting. "مثلية جنسية"... Curious. 
Then you search for the article... 
An amazing title has been chosen for that:
"Homosexuality in my house!!! *three exclamation points for dramatic effect* What should I do?" 
What should you do? Accept and love your son or daughter. 
That's how simple it is.
But oh nooo! Let us write a 2-page article about what you should do.


The article starts with touching stories of parents who found out about their kid's sexuality, then more touching stories about kids who are still in the closet.
"Oh, daddy is so proud of me... But if only he knew." 

But what is homosexuality? Please, do tell us.

To boost her credibility, our lovely, talented, prominent journalist asked a psychologist about it. Good job!
(This is also when she starts using شذوذ instead of مثلية جنسية, very professional) 
Dr. Aoun explains:
Well, first of all, you can know your children are homosexuals when they have some kind of "deviant attitudes" (I think she meant some kind of symptoms). "When your son acts like a girl, and your daughter acts like a boy, you can know they are homosexual" 
WAW! Did you find that in the dictionary? Oh no! Our psychologist is too smart for dictionaries. "Let's make up our own definition", she thought, "mine makes more sense!" 

"But why?! Why is my son acting like this?!", cries the desperate parent! Let's look at the wonderful, amazing picture that comes with our golden article. 

I am not a boy. I am not a girl. I am gay! And I am smoking a cigarette. Rawr, beware.

"So how did my son end up like this? Is it my fault?!" asks the parent.

Miss Nadine explains: 
Well, it all goes back to early education. When a father is rough and violent with his daughter, how can you expect her to grow into a healthy straight woman? When a mother is too 'dominant' in her son's life and education, of course he's going to turn gay... 
 She also mentions the Oedipus complex at some point, and adds lots and lots of exclamation points for drama. Did this woman even go to school or something?

Anyway, desperate parent has more questions. Yes, do ask:
"Doctor, doctor! Can I cure my son?!"

Yaaaaaayyy! You are not doomed!
No, you aren't! You can cure your son with psychological treatment. Oh wait! I'm a psychologist!
What? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? More clients for me! Yey, yey, yey!

Happy Dr. Aoun is happy. 

"Any other tips, Doctor?!"

Our talented journalist found a great way to present her little tips and advice.

"BUBBLES!! I DID THAT ALL BY MYSELF DADDY!" - Miss Nadine showing the article to her proud parents.

The first orange bubble is praising article 534. Your son/daughter can go to jail for being gay. How awesome is that?! Oh yay, now all the Lebanese youth is going to grow into healthy straight people, just like God wanted. 

The green bubble is more... practical? It gives prevention techniques for worried parents. 
YES! You can prevent homosexuality!! If you are a dad, be gentle to your daughter and give your son attention. If you are a mom, try to be nice and not too dominant. 
And don't forget! If both parents give equal attention to their children, there is no way they will end up gay! 

"Yay, thank you Doctor! Now I am gonna be a good Christian and send my child to the shrink and then we'll all go to heaven!" 

Hah... bitches, you are all going to hell. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012


I have realized recently that my straight friends have a huge problem pronouncing the word "gay" in public.

They either just start a sentence and wait for you to complete it. Exemple:
Straight dude: Does she know that you are...
Gay dude: That I am what?
Straight dude: You know....
Gay dude: Gay?
Straight dude: Yeah, that. 
Or just you know, be all awkward about it:
Straight dude: Does she know that you are...
*looks to the right*looks to the left*
*makes sure no one is in hearing range*
*puts both hands around his mouth*
*leans in real close*
*whispers* gay?
Then, there are the amazing steps towards legalizing gay marriage (I am not being sarcastic here) like "domestic partnerships" and "same-sex blessing services". This is all very good, perfect, wonderful. But why can't you just call it marriage? Whether civil or religious, it's just a goddamn marriage!

My favorite gayphemism (which is a gay-euphemism) is MSM. Like seriously? Men who sleep with men. How... diplomatic? No actually, it's ridiculous.
You are gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. 

Love the label! Accept the label! Embrace the label! Tattoo the label on your forehead!

Little side-note here, I don't really use the word "homosexual" because 1- you can't tattoo it on your forehead, it just won't fit, 2- it takes so much time to pronounce it that's you might change your mind in the middle of the sentence while coming out and end up telling your mom you're a homo erectus.

Anyway, back to labels. How can we evolve if we don't accept our gay label?
Trees are trees, flowers are flowers, gays are gays!

Everybody needs to get labeled somehow, that's why we have names. Even my blog post loves to get labeled!

Monday, July 9, 2012

The Helem Leaks

I know nothing about Helem. I stumbled upon their website a long time ago and found nothing on it that could personally interest me. I went to two of their IDAHO events: the first one I attended in 2011 was nice and interesting, the second one was exactly the same as the first. I felt like a year passed and nothing changed.

Since I know nothing about Helem, since I do know any volunteer there personally, what I am about to say is as objective as it can be.

I read the Helem Leaks (got bored after 5 pages) and since I have no idea what the hell all these people are talking about, or who the hell these people are, I'm gonna be very general.

When an argument passes from accepting criticism, to sexism, to sexual harassment and then to heterophobia, there's just something really wrong with it.

Why do I feel like Helem cannot help me as an individual? I never understood what the point of this whole NGO was until I went to their IDAHO event in 2011. And now I know why they never reach out to people:

There are so many internal problems that steal all the activist's attention, that the mission of the NGO has lost its priority.
That's how I felt while reading all these email.

As "Karen" (whoever that is) said:
I think we have enough on our plate to deal with gays being arrested and law suits instead of wasting energy on internal issues that should not exist in the first place
Division is the first step towards crumbling apart. History has shown that over the centuries. 
If the LGBTQ community cannot be united, how can we fight for our rights? 
Have you ever seen a rainbow without all its seven colors shining next to one another?
It is in that way that I cannot see the LGBTQ community without each and every single letter united to the other.

Oh, and I should also add an S for Straight! 
LGBTQS it is! 

Fuck this, 

Who cares what's under your shirt! Boobs or no boobs. 
Who cares what's under your pants! Penis or vagina. 
Who cares who's in your bed! Man or woman. 
Just get over that and DO SOMETHING USEFUL.
Make me feel safe in my country, make me feel at home. 

I don't want to get chased by a policeman if I kiss a guy in public (yes, that actually happened), I don't want to feel like I can't trust someone until I can prove that he's homo-friendly. 
I should believe that people are homophobic until proven otherwise, it's supposed to be the other way around! 

Come on Helem, it seems that there's still hope with these new volunteers. Passez le flambeau. 
Prove to the world that something can work in this country.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


If you had asked me two years ago what I thought about kids, I would have given you a disgusted look and go on and on about how I hate them!
It is not before this year that I realized what caused that unexplained hate.

I hated kids because... well, I love them.
This idea that I will never have kids of my own just pushed me towards this hate, like some sort of way to protect me from being hurt one day.
You can talk to me for days about adopting or surrogates or any alternative to have children, but for me, nothing can be compared to having a little half-you half-your-significant-other running around the house.
If this was even possible, I would have never considered not having kids. But since it is not and probably never will be, being a father is no priority for me. Even adopting is not something I am keen on.

It is not that I am not able to love a kid that is not mine.
This summer like last summer, I will be working at a summer camp for kids. However, these kids are very... special. They all come from rich families and are very spoiled.
Now this can sometimes be annoying like when you ask them to make their beds and they tell you about how their maid always do that for them back at home, or when they start unpacking their Ralph Lauren polos and Ray Bans and start showing them to their friends. (I am talking about 6-year olds here)
And it can sometimes be pretty sad. Like they say, money is the root of all problems: absent parents, divorces, etc. Last year, a kid has been picked up by his cook after he hadn't talked to his parents for a week.

But kids are kids. They have this magical way of seing the world and are adorably naive. Their energy just makes me happy and their imagination will never stop surprising me. They can have fun doing anything and never get bored.
Yes, I love kids and I don't know if going back to hating them would be more simple for me.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Yo, ho!

I had to share this. They are too adorable.

Once again I am reminded of how much I want to become a pirate when I grow up. Leave everything behind and sail away. Live with the seagulls and survive by drinking rum. How amazing is that?

Sunday, May 13, 2012

LebIDAHO Posters

I finally had the chance to hang some more posters in the streets of Beirut!
(I went a little crazy with the pink posters, they are so cute)

However, we quickly ran out of glue. I'm hoping to find some time this week to go back and finish the job.

If you haven't check the LebIDAHO website out, read the stories already published and don't forget to send your own!

Uncensor yourself! Share your story.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Stop Homophobia

We all know that Lebanese people do not really respect traffic symbols, but I do hope that this one will catch their attention. 

With International Day Against Homophobia coming up on the 17th of May, we thought that this was an appropriate time to start spraying Beirut's wall. 

But little did we know what was happening in the dark streets of Ashrafieh.  
While the gays were happily running around with their spray paint, a little straight couple decided to park right in front of us and conceive a child. 
Now, unless the poor guy was gay or the girl was really really bad, I fail to see how procreating can take that long. 
LM and I had to hide during one whole hour, waiting for the silhouettes in the white car to stop moving back and forth. 

Anyway, while our last graffiti (which has been painted over) was all about spreading the love, this one is about stoping the hate. 
What's the difference? I don't know. I guess it's pretty much the same thing. 

Hope you like it :-) 

Don't forget to check LM's post

Thursday, April 19, 2012

To the Woman who Raised Me

This is to the woman who raised me.
The woman who made me sit on her laps all day long.
The woman who never left me and gave me nothing but love since the day I was born.
This is not about my mother, no.
This is about my neighbor.

This old lady I will never forget, with her silver hair and her pearl necklace.
A lot of you would describe her as Tante el Ashrafieh.
She would wake up every morning and spend hours fixing her make-up. She would never get out of her room without perfectly red lips,
She was the typical neighbor, getting us underwear for Christmas and baking us sfoufs for our birthday.

As I sat on the couch, that empty couch she would always fill with her smile and joy, I remembered how I spent my childhood in her living room, building house of cards and watching Chef Antoine cook a chicken in a thousand different ways.
She used to call him every once in a while and share her little secrets with him.
But I realized that I only had happy memories of that place. I realized that the people around me also only shared happy memories.

I saw her daughters silently cry in a corner.
I saw the men keeping their poker face and trying to open up random subjects.
I was sitting there, trying to hold my tears, pushing my toes against the ground as hard as I could, pinching myself and avoiding eye contact.
Men don't cry.

I have been laying in bed for 10 minutes, letting the tears I have been holding for too long stream down my face.
For some reason, keeping that in my diary did not seem enough. I had to share it somehow.

What an ironic date the 20th of April is.
It is the day my grandfather has been buried, it is the day my neighbor will be buried.
It is the day I was born.

But if you think about it, during this day you get to think about nothing but the happy memories.

A smiling face on a photograph, a flower on a tombstone.
A candle on a cake.

The happy memories.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

17 Candles & A Birthday Wish.

I was 15 when I started this blog. I cannot start to describe how miserable my life was back then.
Almost two years later, one single thing has changed.
I am still scared, I am still weak. But I am honest. I am honest to myself and I am honest to my friends. I am honest to anyone that will listen to me.

I am happy.

Now my birthday is not until 3 days from now, but there is no guarantee I will be able to write a post any time soon.

I have been spending my days, and most of my vacation, at school.
The best part is that, on my birthday, I will be standing at a science fair booth from 10AM to 9PM.

Work, work & work. That is all that seems to matter. One more month, and then we are free.
Free you say?
I will barely have time to catch my breath before I start my college applications.
I am running away to the first American college that will take me.

This country just seems too much for me to handle.
Will things get better in the US? I don't know. I don't think so.
I just need to get out of my routine. Out of this life I am living here...

Somehow, I always forget.

We are lucky. They are not.
We are free. They are not.

Those who cannot leave this country,
those who ignore what lies beyond these borders,
those who will never get out of their routine,
those who will die doing what they have always done,
those who are haunted with questions and will never get the opportunity to answer them,
those who never get the chance to read this and live thinking they are alone,
those who cannot read at all,
are they free?

But can you blame them?
When society puts them in a position where they have to live a life that's not theirs, question their identity rather than the society's cruelty, what choice do they have?
When they have no way of finding answers to basic questions like who they are, what they are, what are these feelings they are experiencing, what choice do they have?

They are trapped between their lies and their secrets. Why? Because they cannot afford freedom.
Yes, freedom has a price. I, for one, believe it lies in education.
It is sad to see that money can be a boundary between freedom and captivity.
I owe my freedom to the internet, the movies I have watched, the inspirational people I have seen.
How can a man who has no access to all that know that he is not freak of nature? How can he learn about LGBT rights?

So, 3 days from now, while blowing the candles on the cupcake my friends smuggled into the university, I will thinking about ignorance and wish for its eradication, once and for all. 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Israel, Palestine and the things I don't get.

I know Israel is the enemy.
I know it is their bombs that woke me up in the middle of the night, their bombs that made my mother cry. 
I remember our history teacher stressing on the fact that the country south of Lebanon was "فلسطين المحتلة" (occupied Palestine). 
I watch the news, see the murders, listen to the women screaming and crying. 

Why do we hate them? Because they stole our land. Because they stole our ressources. Because they took what was ours. 

I know that some people are not going to the Red Hot Chili Pepper concert because they are performing in Tel Aviv right after coming to Lebanon 

Red Hot Chili Pepper is an American band. 
I know that Americans love their precious Israel. 
So I do not see why this show is considered outrageous. 
And even if it is, I do not see why it should stop me from enjoying the concert I have been looking forward since I was 8 years old. 

I know I do not give a rodent's behind about this. 
I realize I might not see what is obvious for some of you who are older and wiser. 
I accept the fact that this is just something that I might not understand. 

The ticket has been bought.
I am looking forward to screaming my lungs out and crying of joy every time Flea does something epic. 

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Young the Giant

I always say that Glee makes almost every original version of a song they perform sound lame.
I always say how perfect Blaine is and how I would never ever say no to a Blaine performance. He is just so adorable and sexy and his voice makes me melt.

But of course, there are some exceptions.
When I heard Cough Syrup for the first time, I rushed to check the original version because I fell in love with the song.

And well, in addition to the awesome music video, the glitter, the paint and everything, the vocalist is adorable! I don't know where he is from, but his accent killed me. Literally.

So, of course, I downloaded their whole album, which is amazing.
And I got obsessed with another one of their song: My Body.

- So, this post is dedicated to E because apparently, he loves the music I share on this blog. ;-) So, there you go!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Childishness & Competitiveness

Warning: If you have, in any way, left your childhood and high-school years behind, if you might be bothered by childish behavior, if you cannot bear the stubbornness and stupidity of teenagers, do NOT read any further. 

This school has a way of turning any average student who steps into its ground into a competitive son of a bitch. So when a little kid, the poor little very very competitive R, first walked into Jamhour, he turned into the devil's spawn.

Used to being top of his class, he never really put a lot of effort into his schoolwork. However, when he received his last transcript and saw he was second of his class, the dormant devil in his finally woke up.

Rumors spread about how crazy he became. He was working so hard I doubt he had time to shower. It has been said that he started talking alone. He was not himself anymore.

Bullying and rumors. That's one of my specialities. I have defended poor little R, telling everyone how he wanted to study in the USA, how hard it is to get accepted there and how hard it is to pay for college.
Every time he made a mean comment in class, I would burst out laughing, making everyone believe it was a joke.

R saw every test as an opportunity to prove that he was smarted then me. Every day, every class, everything he ever did had just one purpose.

So little me just kept on defending him, pitying him a little bit, but never showing it.
Until little R decided to make everything personal.

I don't know what he did, he might have just googled my name, he might have hacked into my computer, I don't know what he did to find my blog.
He forced me to come out to him.
I did not mind. I never pay a lot of attention to this.

But every man has his limits.
After seeing R cheat on his last math test, a friend whispered to me 'I need to talk to you after the bell rings'.

So the bell rang, and that friend came.
   'He hates you, you know that?'
   'I know'
I started laughing.
   'He is spreading awful rumors about you'

Well, that was enough to make my smile fade away.
   'The rumors are true'
This is all I said before leaving class. I was mad, oh so very mad. How can competitiveness get someone to do this kind of thing? This poor little honest R was now turned into a rumor-spreading bitch.
This was useless anyway. Everyone at school knows I'm gay.

So I told him. I told him how much I pitied him. How much I pitied his life. How everyone hated him, how everything he does makes everyone furious.
I hurt him and oh, did it feel good.
For six month I have defended this son of a bitch. For six month I have been nothing but nice and this is how I get rewarded.

Now, I am watching Mean Girls (for the very first time) and I am thinking about how exhausting it is to be the bigger man, how easy it is to be a bitch.

And now I am reading this again and realizing how childish it might seem.
But this is how some people act. And I hope that one day, poor little R will grow up. I really do hope so. 

Sunday, March 4, 2012


Today my dad called me materialistic.
Why? Because I refused to go to church with him.

So now all atheists are materialistic because they have no spiritual life.
But what kind of spiritual life do Christians lead?

They are fools, fools who refuse to open their eyes.
They blindly follow the crowd. They follow their fathers and their mentors, because they have been raised to believe that there is a deity actually leading the crowd.
Maybe if they open their eyes, they could see that this crowd is just wandering, that there is nobody leading it.
Or maybe is the crowd too thick for them to see through it?

All I know is that they do not think, they follow.
They follow rules and boundaries, but who set these rules?
A man desperate enough to become a priest.
A man who preaches about love and peace but rapes little kids.
A man who tells us to give our money to the poor but waves his million-dollar ring, his million-dollar sceptre and wears his million-dollar hat with pride and joy.

You are the one with no spiritual life, with no social values. You are the blind follower who just nods and accept everything that is thrown to him.

I think.
I have principles and values. And even if I will walk alone, I will stick to these values.

You have a non-existent leader. 

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Using Diversity.

I am in a friendly, discrimination-free environment where diversity is not only accepted, but also praised.
I am with very competitive people who always look for someone who will stand out, someone who is different.

Scenario 1: 
I hide my sexuality, or just don't mention it.
Gay men and straight men are equal. Isn't equality what we keep fighting for?
Being gay is indeed an advantage, but I will not use it.
Does this make me an idiot who can't make a smart move to win, or does it make me an honest man who asks for equality and acts upon his demand?

Scenario 2: 
I talk about my sexuality and my experiences.
I've been through a lot because of it, from discrimination to bullying, and this gives me an advantage that I should use.
People will remember me and I will get their attention.
Does this make me an attention-seeking competitive bitch, or does it make a smart man who can use everything to his advantage?

I am asking for your opinion because I had to take this choice more than once and never really got close to a decision. I will face this dilemma very often and I need to think about it, I just wanted to see what you would do or what you did in this situation.

Gay men are not straight men.
Gay men do not want to be treated like straight men.
Should we praise this difference or not?

There is a sharp difference between equality and equal rights.
Which one should we ask for?

Friday, February 10, 2012

The Graffiti

There are two kinds of New Year resolutions, the sober ones, and the drunk ones.
My drunk New Year resolution was to leave a footprint on Beirut's wall, share a message of love and peace.

Finding the idea was quite easy, V for Vendetta, of course!
Even if I do not know you, I love you, from all my heart. - Valerie.
First thing I did next morning was to call LM.
She immediately came up with a great idea.
She turned this famous photograph (I don't know how famous it is, she's the only one who actually knows it)

Into this awesome design:

Now the real challenge was the painting.
She was just calm, chill and relaxed.
I was excited, stressed and scared.
What if someone sees us? What if they call the police? What if we get arrested?
Hah, ah well. I was surprised to see that Lebanese people do not give a single fuck about what you do.
A lot of people passed and did not even notice what we were doing.
A guy, who looked like a tourist, stopped and watched us paint for a while.
Two other Lebanese guys randomly said 'Ya3tikon el 3afyeh'.
Everyone else was just indifferent.

The result was quite amazing, hope you guys like it.

Don't forget to check LM's blog!

And also see what Celine K. wrote!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

The Pill.

I love how curious straight people are. Once they find out you're gay, they start asking so many questions. It's funny to see what can pass through people's mind.

But I won't be talking about the questions I get today, no. I will be talking about a question I often hear or read about, but have never been asked.

'If there was a pill that can turn you straight, would you take it?'

Well, if you asked me that a couple of years ago, my answer would have been a big yes.

But over the years, I thought about it and now, there is no way you can convince me to take this pill. 

First of all, I've always been gay. For me it has never been 'straight until proven otherwise'. I've always known I was gay, I might not have been able to give it a name or say it out loud when I was a kid, but I have always known, and I cannot possibly imagine myself being straight. I just can't.

But what changed during the last couple of years is that I discovered what the LGBT community is all about. You might hear stories about suicides, depressions, you might hear stories about people being kicked out of their homes, people being killed because of their sexuality, you might hear stories about gay celebrities, gay men and women who changed the world, but all these stories, the good and the bad, they all are stories of strength and courage.

So, will I ever take the pill? No, because being associated with the LGBT community is nothing but an honor.

When 'It Gets Better' Gets Musical

Another awesome video shared by Ziad, the best gay-source you can wish to meet!

Check it out and be amazed by the choreography :) 

Sunday, January 22, 2012


They're American, I have no idea why the band is called Beirut, but they are genius and I love them! :)

Friday, January 20, 2012

From All My Heart.

Let me first start by sharing with you, one of the biggest inspiration of my life, which is of course, V for Vendetta.

Well, actually, that's the only thing I really wanted to say, I'll let the pictures do the rest of the talking.
Wether you're on your way to work to work in the early morning or coming back from a party late at night, I hope this brings a smile to your face.

Thank you LM for making this possible :-)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Seagull

I decided to keep this name cause I have to share my seagull obsession with someone!

Yesterday, I read one of the most inspiring book, Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
It is all about seeking perfecting and I loved and enjoyed every page.
I highly recommend the book, and I want to share my favorite part:

Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, and you'll see the way to fly.
- Jonathan Seagull

Thank You.

This post is dedicated to J, A, T and P. I don't know if you will ever read this, but this is the only way I have to thank you for what you did.
I am writing this because you gave me faith, faith our lovely Lebanese society, but you also showed me and proved to me that change is coming, slowly but surely.

You used to be the guys I dread. The overly straight dudes who kept randomly throwing homophobic comments, maybe without even realizing it.
Saying 'gay' and 'louteh' might have become a normal thing to do for you, but every time I heard those words, I kept thinking, why, why are you using this particular word every time you have something bad to say?

But all the respect you showed me these last couple of days showed me that you were no enemies, but friends. You respected my privacy and helped me when I needed help.
Your anonymous tips were really helpful.

Anyway, thank you again, and I hope you get to read this :-)

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Lebanon & Drama

So, a pillar collapsed and the landlord is informed. He did nothing about it. Two weeks later, he advices everyone to sleep out of the building. Then, it collapses.
What is everyone doing? Standing in the red cross and the police's way, trying to get as close as possible. How nosey are you? Get out, you are freaking useless. 
What is the media doing? Sending 10 cameras there and interviewing survivors, minutes after the collapse, saying names on national TV without anyone's consent.

What are the people trying to help doing? Throwing rocks on the ruins randomly. What if there is someone under that you bloody idiot? 

What is their miracle solution? Pray and light a candle. Yes, that's helpful.

Lebanese people, Y U SO DUMB?

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Same Blog, New Name.


Because I promised my friend I would change the name.
Because I am only a man. A man who wants nothing to be able to hurt him
Because I want to be able to fly, live on my lonely rock, with only the lighting and the waves as company.

Exilé sur le sol au milieu des huées,
Ses ailes de géant l'empêchent de marcher.

Dear Anonymous,

You freaked me out, you did.
Yes, now you know who I am, you do. What gave it away? The rainbows?
But I really wonder, how can one find rainbows if he's not looking for rainbow?

Dear Anonymous,
I wonder, I really wonder, what did you prove? 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Fight Rape

Articles 503 and 504 of the Lebanese Penal Code, which define what rape is, exclude marital rape and any sexual violence.
Article 522 states that the case can be dropped if the rapist asks the victim to marry him.
This is just creepy.
Nobody can be aware of all the monstrosities that can happen behind a closed door and the worst part is that a woman cannot even resort to the authorities.

Nasawiya, a collective of feminist activists, is taking the initiative by organizing a march. But a march needs a crowd and a crowd needs you!

Janury 14th at 12pm.

Ministry of Interior in Sanayeh to Parliament in Downtown

Don't forget to check the Facebook event for more details.

The Lebanese Penal Code is just so wrong on so many levels. 
I hope this can be the first step for many changes to come!
Be there!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

The Spider & The Fly

I'm not really into poetry but I really wanted to share this.

Will you walk into my parlour?" said the Spider to the Fly, 
'Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy; 
The way into my parlour is up a winding stair, 
And I've a many curious things to shew when you are there." 
Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "to ask me is in vain, 
For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again." 

"I'm sure you must be weary, dear, with soaring up so high; 
Will you rest upon my little bed?" said the Spider to the Fly. 
"There are pretty curtains drawn around; the sheets are fine and thin, 
And if you like to rest awhile, I'll snugly tuck you in!" 
Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "for I've often heard it said, 
They never, never wake again, who sleep upon your bed!" 

Said the cunning Spider to the Fly, " Dear friend what can I do, 
To prove the warm affection I 've always felt for you? 
I have within my pantry, good store of all that's nice; 
I'm sure you're very welcome -- will you please to take a slice?" 
"Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "kind Sir, that cannot be, 
I've heard what's in your pantry, and I do not wish to see!" 

"Sweet creature!" said the Spider, "you're witty and you're wise, 
How handsome are your gauzy wings, how brilliant are your eyes! 
I've a little looking-glass upon my parlour shelf, 
If you'll step in one moment, dear, you shall behold yourself." 
"I thank you, gentle sir," she said, "for what you 're pleased to say, 
And bidding you good morning now, I'll call another day." 

The Spider turned him round about, and went into his den, 
For well he knew the silly Fly would soon come back again: 
So he wove a subtle web, in a little corner sly, 
And set his table ready, to dine upon the Fly. 
Then he came out to his door again, and merrily did sing, 
"Come hither, hither, pretty Fly, with the pearl and silver wing; 
Your robes are green and purple -- there's a crest upon your head; 
Your eyes are like the diamond bright, but mine are dull as lead!" 

Alas, alas! how very soon this silly little Fly, 
Hearing his wily, flattering words, came slowly flitting by; 
With buzzing wings she hung aloft, then near and nearer drew, 
Thinking only of her brilliant eyes, and green and purple hue -- 
Thinking only of her crested head -- poor foolish thing! At last, 
Up jumped the cunning Spider, and fiercely held her fast. 
He dragged her up his winding stair, into his dismal den, 
Within his little parlour -- but she ne'er came out again! 

And now dear little children, who may this story read, 
To idle, silly flattering words, I pray you ne'er give heed: 
Unto an evil counsellor, close heart and ear and eye, 
And take a lesson from this tale, of the Spider and the Fly.

By Mary Howitt 

Books, books, books.

We all have books we bought and never read, and I just can't stop buying books, cause it's kinda addictive and all.. I'm a booka-shopa-holic, which means, I love buying books.
It's not that I don't read them but somehow this list is just getting longer and longer. It's just that my books read to books bought ratio is like 1:5.

George Orwell: Animal Farm
Jodi Picoult: The Pact
Gregory Maguire: Wicked (I actually read half of that then my sister stole it and now I have it back!)
J.D. Salinger: Catcher in the Rye
Richard Dawkins: The God Delusion
Stieg Larsson: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl who Played with Fire, The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. (It's a thing I do... buy a whole series and just dump it in the waiting list. Oh, and I am not watching that movie before reading the whole book!)
Karin Slaughter: Faithless, Beyond Reach (These are actually from an adult-crime series I started in England... Couldn't find the rest here so I had to get them online.)
Cornelia Funke: Inkspell, Inkdeath. (Read Inkeart and watched the movie and loved them both.)

So yeah, for some reason everyone thinks I am so into comic books and stuff when I'm really not. Maybe they just have no gift ideas? I dunno.
But every time at my birthday and on Christmas I get all these comic books and all I think about is "Yay! More free books for me!" :)

I am now reading: The Help - Katheryn Stockett (Again, not watching the movie until the whole book is done)

So what do you think I should read next?

My precious, my shiny..

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Bursting the Bubble

We all live a redundant routine. We get attached to that routine. It makes us feel safe. Then something comes up, and you have to abandon that routine. You get used to something new and create a new routine.
Then, reality hits you back and you go back to the same old habits.

These holidays have been wonderful.
Waking up at 12, going out at 1, just walking around with my laptop, a couple of books and of course, an umbrella (Forgot it once, regretted it the rest of the day). Just walking around in Ashrafieh, getting lost, finding my way back. Sitting, getting a coffee, writing, working, reading. Alone.
Go back home around 5, eat, go back out, walk. Alone.
Come back home around midnight, sleep.

I totally fell in love with that 'lifestyle'. I just felt like a homeless guy for a couple of weeks and it was awesome. I saw new faces, been to places I've never been to before. School, home, friends, I just couldn't stand doing the same thing over and over again.
I still haven't got tired of that. I wish I could still go out all day and do nothing and just stare at stranger and chill.
I just burst my bubble and I'm glad I did.

Tomorrow, I go back to school, back to my routine. I'm afraid I won't have time to spend days just chilling. But, oh well... My laziness has its limit.
It's just that, I discovered so much things. When you're all alone, you can see everything, it's all clear.
We all have these awkward moments when we think about life and all before sleeping. Just imagine doing this all day long.

These holidays have been enlightening and I just wish that my routine isn't going to stop me from having some alone me-time.
I don't want this bubble to ever built itself around me ever again.