A First Kiss

            I decided to ignore the warnings, the stories and the rumors.

            I kissed him goodnight, in the middle of downtown Beirut.

            Everything I expected from a first kiss was there: the pounding heart, the butterflies, the thrill, and the joy… But one unexpected thing happened.

            When we opened our eyes, we saw a policeman calling us.  We just ignored it and walked away, until he started screaming.

We ran. We acted like we were guilty of something, like what we did was wrong, like we were criminals, caught red-handed.

            Luckily we both got home safely. Stripped of all dignity, humiliated, scared, annoyed, confused, but safe.

            Today, whenever I pass by downtown Beirut, whenever I think about him, hear his name, whenever someone ask me about my first kiss, I do not remember touching his lips, running my hand through his curly hairs or trying to control my pounding heart.

No. I just remember the angry and disgusted voice of a policeman, the awkward looks we got while running in the crowded street and our awkward laugh while saying goodbye like what just happened was the most normal thing in the world.

            I think about how no one should ever have to face such humiliation. But then the Dekwaneh abuse happens, and what I thought was the worst kind of humiliation possible, an incident I have been afraid to share for a year now, seems stupid and ridiculous.

            I open my diary, read what I wrote that night, one year ago, and try to put myself in their shoes, multiply this page on a diary by a hundred, by a thousand.

But I can’t.

            Instead, I just do what I would have done if I had to face a similar situation. I write. And today, I am sharing what I wrote, to everyone who has ever been humiliated, by a person, by a city, by a country.

The Siblings

The sister: “Oh really? I’ve known for two years! Oh, and I kind of read your blog…”

The brother: “Wow. So you like dicks as much as I like pussies…. That’s weird! Oh and, you know that half my friends are gay, that’s cool… Oh and, you know that you should always protect yourself… Oh and, you know that… “
(Yeah, we might have been both drunk at the time. It was a fun conversation)

When your brother is the person you always set as a role model, when your sister is an inspiration to you, when you have siblings who love you that much, I feel stupid for taking that long to come out to them.
Now, whenever my father starts with his hate speeches, I will have someone to look after me, someone to prove that everything my father believes is wrong, someone to act…

Dear Anonymous,

You freaked me out, you did.
Yes, now you know who I am, you do. What gave it away? The rainbows?
But I really wonder, how can one find rainbows if he's not looking for rainbow?

Dear Anonymous,
I wonder, I really wonder, what did you prove? 

The Other Way Around

I came out to so many people but nobody ever came out to me.
I never knew how it really felt, but tonight, after a wild wild party, my best friend came out to me. She is dating another girl.
First reaction? I was really happy for her.
Five minutes later? I started crying. I don't know why. Was it the alcohol or the confession? I will never know.

But this sadness just came and filled every part of my body. And with this sadness came disappointment.
I was disappointed I haven't been the friend she has been for me.
When I came out to her she showed nothing but support, and now when it's her turn, I start tearing up in front of her?

I can't really explain this. Her girlfriend is really cool and nice.
Am I greedy and don't want to share my best friend? Of course not! A lot of my friends are in relationships.
Do I think that I will never see her the same way again? Of course not! Nothing is ever gonna change between us, like nothing changed when I came out to her.

I just don't want her to get hurt. Sixteen-year olds are idiots.
I witness that teenager stubbornness everyday. How influenced kids can get.
I don't want her to realize how mean and cruel our society is. But doesn't she know that? She was the one hanging IDAHO posters with me. She was the one to stand up for me every time she heard a hateful comment.
I don't want her to wake up one day and realize she is straight as an arrow and regret every second of this. But isn't this the part of life during which you're supposed to explore your sexuality and experience new stuff?

I'm not her dad after all. I can't hold her all her life so she doesn't fall.
I have to be a friend and walk with her and help her get up when she falls.
And that's what I will try to be.

Anyway...
La nuit porte conseil.

Free As A Bird: To Immigrate, or not to Immigrate? - By Ralph H.

 I look at the world and I notice its turning.

If I go there is no turning back, If I leave there is a huge possibility that I won’t come back home, back here, back to Lebanon. But it was never my choice to leave in the first place. The only thing I did was get used to the idea of going away, leaving, immigrating, whatever you want to call it. Lebanon has been a breeding ground for hatred, homophobia, disgust, prejudice, loneliness. But it is also my home country, it is where all my friends live, it is where all my memories, or most of them, lie. Every Lebanese person complains about Lebanon, only in the end to say that this is the best country in the world. But is it? Are we only saying that out of sheer patriotism or obligation or do we believe in the words that escape us? In my opinion it is only because we got so used to the traffic, to the people, the swear words, the gossip, the drops of water hitting your face while you walk along the sea front, the shopping, the downtown, Hamra street, Gemayzeh, Monot, Byblos, Fairuz, friends, family, the small villages nestled in the protective twists and turns of the overlapping mountains… the list could go on forever. I think every country is unique in its own way; every country has something worth discovering. The question remains, to move, or not to move? I think most of us at some point proclaim that we cannot wait to pack our bags and leave. I remain one of those people. I am surrounded by these people. It is almost all I think about. Beirut I love you, I love you not. I have found more freedom abroad, freedom to act the way I want to, freedom to wear whatever I want tom freedom to say whatever I want to… I cannot live in any country where I cannot truly by myself to everyone, where I have to hide. I think everyone feels the same way.

By Ralph H.

Bullying.

After reading about Day Of Silence on LebaGaGa's blog and after receiving this video (an Irish homophobic bullying advertisement for LGBT awareness) I realized how much everyone is trying to put an end to harassment in schools.
I also realized how narrow-minded people are in Lebanon.

While in the USA or in Europe, young gay and lesbian are protected by their school and by the state from this kind of bullying, here, in Lebanon, you are alone.

Being in a Catholic school, all the students take catechism classes (which is more like brain-washing). And once every year, we have the famous sex-talk.
And gosh, you can't imagine how funny it is to listen to a priest talk about sex.
One thing lead to another and we end up talking about gay people.
Being a priest, and being Lebanese, the teacher was of course homophone. So we had to listen to him talking about those freaks of nature, those sinners, those creatures of Satan and whatever else he came up with.
Ignorant.
I was actually amused and asked what if someone in this class is gay. What if he is listening to you talking like this right now, how awful would he feel?
I wasn't talking about myself, of course. All I could do was picture gay angels with rainbow-colored wings chopping his head off and sucking the blood out of his mutilated body.
But if someone is going this whole identity crisis how bad would he/she feel after hearing this?
His answer? "They are no people like this in this school."
Ignorant.
"Did you know that 10% of any population is attracted to the same-sex?"
"Not in here! We educated you ourselves, you will never end up like this!"
Ignorant.
Aren't you supposed to spread love and peace?
Look at yourself! Turning into a bully! Yes, a bully!
What if I told you I was gay?  I wouldn't be surprised if he just went like "Rou7 khod 7abbit Panadol, you'll feel better".

On a brighter side, there's this guy in my class who just insults everything that moves.
You know, everyone got used to that and nobody pays attention to what he says anymore.
So during a history lesson he just randomly decided to start insulting everyone.
Even the teacher didn't pay attention to him.
Then came my turn. "Hayda? hayda mich rejjel!"
I didn't even notice that he was talking to me. I couldn't care less. But the teacher got really mad and forced him to apologize. That really surprised me. In a good way. I wanted to see what he was going to do.
He did not apologize. How pitiful is that?
The huge bad-ass bully who couldn't even apologize to me.
So yeah, as long as they are not priests, the teachers here can be awesome. :-)

Even if you are all by yourself, what's a bully? Just a messed up guy doing stupid things.
Bullies are weak.
Whenever someone is whispering and pointing at you, whenever someone randomly calls you names, whenever someone is making fun of you, smile and walk away.
Don't give them the attention they want to get, don't make a big deal out of it.
Show them that you don't care and everything will be alright.
They will leave you alone, forget about you and try to find someone else to annoy.

Express Yourself

Well, sometimes, when you're mad , depressed, when you're having problems, when you just can't take it anymore, you just want to talk, get everything out.
But, as much as they try, your friends can't always understand your issues.

That's why everything gay person needs gay friends.
However, since homosexuality is such a taboo subject, since coming out is so hard, since homophobia is so normal, how are you supposed to know who is gay and who's not? And how are people supposed to know if you're gay?
How are you supposed to meet other gay men or women?


I've been receiving some mails from gay teenagers telling me how painful being lonely is.
And I totally agree. I don't know how I would have handled everything if I hadn't started this blog.

Seriously, how can you meet a gay man?
I can't imagine anyone coming out at school to anyone else than your close friends.
Gossips travel so fast, you can't trust everyone. And with gossips come the funny rumors.
Listening to Lady Gaga is like running naked with a rainbow flag all around the school.

So, back to the subject. Adults always have Manjam and those gay-friendly pubs. Moreover, some people do not realize they are gay until their 20s or even later.

So where does that leave us?
I have never had a boyfriend but luckily I am over my I-will-die-alone/just need somebody to love/total depression/loneliness phase. Well, actually, I am still lonely but now I don't really mind.
Being single doesn't bother me anymore. It is actually great!


But being lonely is not only about not being into a relationship.
Sometimes you need a friend that can really understand you and help you, give you advices.
A way to express yourself. 


I have met some awesome people via this blog (& I don't think any of them is a weird creepy fat old pedophile), and I think everyone deserves that chance!


I've been searching on the internet and found a lot of UK or USA based forums for gay kids which were awesome!
When I narrowed my search to Lebanese forums, I couldn't find anything that did not have "sex buddy", "horny bottom" or "sexy muscular top" in the description.

Way to go...

The Gay Family?

Another angry post.

So I was having lunch with my family on Sunday, like every Sunday.
And we were having boring Sunday conversations, like every Sunday.
The topic: My sister's friend.

So my dad starts talking about his first impression about her:

"I remember that when I found out you were hanging out with her, I told myself, why would my own daughter hang out with anyone like this? I mean, her family is gay!"

Ok, now what is that supposed to mean?

"Yeah, her uncle is gay! And apparently he has a boyfriend and stuff..."

So having a boyfriend is even worst than being gay?

See, in Lebanon every family has a reputation! Thus the expression "Iben 3ayleh" (or the family son?).
For my dad (& a lot of other homophobic/ignorant Lebanese), if a member of the family is gay, the whole family's reputation is ruined! The family is gay.

Does that even make sense? Well, not for me.

And there is more!

"I gave the girl a chance. And turns out she's not like her family! She is really sweet and fun."

Gave her a chance? What's that supposed to mean?
He basically said: I am a really nice guy for opening my heart and letting the niece of a gay guy enter my house and talk to my children.

What will he do when he'll find out that the gay is actually in his house already?

Ignorance.