So, I was watching the latest Glee episode and I was chocked to see that Brittany replaced lesbian by Lebanese on Santana's T-shirt!
Santana: I'm Hispanic. Wait, is that supposed to be lesbian? Brittany: Yeah. Isn't that what it says?
What is that supposed to mean? It isn't the first time I hear about confusing Lebanese with lesbian on a TV show or movie... Is that some kind of joke I don't get?
Save the date: May 17th - The International Day Against Homophobia (IDAHO)
Lebanon might not have a flashy gay parade with rainbow flags waving above our heads just yet. But many of us Lebanese, gay, straight or anywhere in between, are already actively engaged in a collective effort trying to raise awareness and fight homophobia.
More often than not, homophobia is just another by-product of ignorance. People remaining stuck with their pre-conceived ideas, their limited knowledge about how homosexuality plays out in real life.
That's where your stories, your personal experiences and your opinions can help a great deal. Sharing some of your thoughts with the rest of us will help spread awareness within, as well as outside the community.
So here's the deal: As Lebanon's LGBT blogosphere, we are asking everyone, gay or straight, to take a minute to think: How does homophobia affect you or someone you love?
Write 150 words or less and email to rainbow_experience@hotmail.com
You will be advancing the cause more than you think!
Gosh... If someone reads this blog, I'm going to sound ready to jump in the bathtub to cut my wrists open. My friend tried to tell me this... Oh dear.
Truth is, I mostly write when I'm angry. I just randomly hit my keyboard and spawn desperate posts about all the negative points of my life So yeah, that's a good way to get rid of all the negativity I feel sometimes. Now is the time to replace this with positive energy!
So apparently, some people do care about me. I never really gave my full trust to a lot of friends this year, but a lot of them to whom I never really paid attention are here, trying to bond with me. What am I doing? Pushing them away.
That was until I heard that a couple of them stood up for me when a jerk tried to make a homophobic comment about me. People will always surprise you... I guess. Who said talking behind someone's back is always a negative thing? :-)
And of course, I'm still sitting here, complaining and whining like always, while the sun is shining outside. I can just open the window and let the sun in.
So yeah, that was me trying to get rid of my internal drama queen. Of course, I can't get rid of that, but I can kick it in the nuts and make it shut up for some time.
A lot of families moved to Beirut after the war. So you often hear about people going to their parent's village during vacations.
My dad is from Jbeil, and we have a nice, 100-year-old house my grandfather built there. I used to spend my summers there with the family. I used to love it there. So peaceful, so cozy. We used to go out in the garden, get a few of fruits & vegetables then come back and prepare dinner. We would play baseball all day or go watch everyone play soccer in front of the church. When my brother would go hunting, I would wait for him and we would clean the birds together. And by clean I mean remove their feathers and guts and try to establish what they ate by cutting open their stomach. We also had an old Nintendo 64. So when it was too hot outside we used to sit and play Mario Kart for hours. Well, that was when I was a kid.
Now, I just hate it there. Not because there is no TV, no DVD player, no internet and no power 6 hours per day. It's just that I can't imagine spending a whole summer alone with my family, far from the civilization and everything. I also realized today that I can't recognize anyone there! See, I haven't been there for a while.
The old woman that would harass you every time you pass by her house is now long gone. The happy couples your parents used to hang out with are now grandparents. The young men your brother used to go hunting with are now getting married. The kids that would play soccer in front of the church are now studying in the city or out of Lebanon. All those kids you used to play hide and seek with have now a whole bottle of gel emptied on their head and are chewing a gum bigger that their head like their life depended on it.
And you're standing there wondering were the people you once knew are. And they are standing there, wondering who that stranger, that intruder is.
Then of course your dad comes closer and starts talking to you. And it hits them! You're the architect's son. In small villages in Lebanon, you are unknown to the inhabitants until you get a job. Until then, you are known as your father's son.
That's what I don't like. This whole living-in-the-60s thing. Seriously, I feel like this whole country is stuck in this vicious circle and is never going to get out of it.
I was half-asleep at a family lunch today when I caught my cousin talking about hairdressers in Lebanon.
"All the feminine hairdressers in Lebanon just pretend to be straight. They take the whole heterosexual thing seriously. They get married with their make-up artist, get a couple of kids and all... then run away with the shampoo guy. True story."
After reading about Day Of Silence on LebaGaGa's blog and after receiving this video (an Irish homophobic bullying advertisement for LGBT awareness) I realized how much everyone is trying to put an end to harassment in schools. I also realized how narrow-minded people are in Lebanon.
While in the USA or in Europe, young gay and lesbian are protected by their school and by the state from this kind of bullying, here, in Lebanon, you are alone.
Being in a Catholic school, all the students take catechism classes (which is more like brain-washing). And once every year, we have the famous sex-talk. And gosh, you can't imagine how funny it is to listen to a priest talk about sex. One thing lead to another and we end up talking about gay people. Being a priest, and being Lebanese, the teacher was of course homophone. So we had to listen to him talking about those freaks of nature, those sinners, those creatures of Satan and whatever else he came up with. Ignorant. I was actually amused and asked what if someone in this class is gay. What if he is listening to you talking like this right now, how awful would he feel? I wasn't talking about myself, of course. All I could do was picture gay angels with rainbow-colored wings chopping his head off and sucking the blood out of his mutilated body. But if someone is going this whole identity crisis how bad would he/she feel after hearing this? His answer? "They are no people like this in this school." Ignorant. "Did you know that 10% of any population is attracted to the same-sex?" "Not in here! We educated you ourselves, you will never end up like this!" Ignorant. Aren't you supposed to spread love and peace? Look at yourself! Turning into a bully! Yes, a bully! What if I told you I was gay? I wouldn't be surprised if he just went like "Rou7 khod 7abbit Panadol, you'll feel better".
On a brighter side, there's this guy in my class who just insults everything that moves. You know, everyone got used to that and nobody pays attention to what he says anymore. So during a history lesson he just randomly decided to start insulting everyone. Even the teacher didn't pay attention to him. Then came my turn. "Hayda? hayda mich rejjel!" I didn't even notice that he was talking to me. I couldn't care less. But the teacher got really mad and forced him to apologize. That really surprised me. In a good way. I wanted to see what he was going to do. He did not apologize. How pitiful is that? The huge bad-ass bully who couldn't even apologize to me. So yeah, as long as they are not priests, the teachers here can be awesome. :-)
Even if you are all by yourself, what's a bully? Just a messed up guy doing stupid things. Bullies are weak. Whenever someone is whispering and pointing at you, whenever someone randomly calls you names, whenever someone is making fun of you, smile and walk away. Don't give them the attention they want to get, don't make a big deal out of it. Show them that you don't care and everything will be alright. They will leave you alone, forget about you and try to find someone else to annoy.
Well, sometimes, when you're mad , depressed, when you're having problems, when you just can't take it anymore, you just want to talk, get everything out. But, as much as they try, your friends can't always understand your issues.
That's why everything gay person needs gay friends. However, since homosexuality is such a taboo subject, since coming out is so hard, since homophobia is so normal, how are you supposed to know who is gay and who's not? And how are people supposed to know if you're gay? How are you supposed to meet other gay men or women?
I've been receiving some mails from gay teenagers telling me how painful being lonely is. And I totally agree. I don't know how I would have handled everything if I hadn't started this blog.
Seriously, how can you meet a gay man? I can't imagine anyone coming out at school to anyone else than your close friends. Gossips travel so fast, you can't trust everyone. And with gossips come the funny rumors. Listening to Lady Gaga is like running naked with a rainbow flag all around the school.
So, back to the subject. Adults always have Manjam and those gay-friendly pubs. Moreover, some people do not realize they are gay until their 20s or even later.
So where does that leave us? I have never had a boyfriend but luckily I am over my I-will-die-alone/just need somebody to love/total depression/loneliness phase. Well, actually, I am still lonely but now I don't really mind. Being single doesn't bother me anymore. It is actually great!
But being lonely is not only about not being into a relationship. Sometimes you need a friend that can really understand you and help you, give you advices. A way to express yourself.
I have met some awesome people via this blog (& I don't think any of them is a weird creepy fat old pedophile), and I think everyone deserves that chance!
I've been searching on the internet and found a lot of UK or USA based forums for gay kids which were awesome! When I narrowed my search to Lebanese forums, I couldn't find anything that did not have "sex buddy", "horny bottom" or "sexy muscular top" in the description.
Rubik's Cube. My new obsession. I learned how to solve these over a year ago but I still can't stop myself from grabbing a cube every time I sit at my desk.
It started with a small cube I bought from a "dekken". And this is what the tiny cube led to...
My Rubik's cube collection.
The ridiculous part is that you can't find the original cubes in Lebanon, so I had to get these delivered from Canada (which cost me twice the price).
So, you can see two 3x3 cubes, two 4x4 cubes, a 2x2 and a 5x5 (I have no idea how to solve that one so it's still scrambled). The one in the back is actually a stress-ball and was a gift :-)
It is actually pretty easy to solve. You can learn on the internet in a couple of hours. A friend taught me the basics but I looked for the algorithms myself.
In a week I managed to solve the original cube (3x3) in under a minute and now I can easily get to 30-40 seconds :-D My personal record: 28 seconds (which is far from the 7 seconds world record).
I also have the whole do-it-yourself kit with extra stickers, pieces and lube (not the one you buy in sex shops). So I can just disassemble the whole thing and build it again to fix the tension and make it spin faster.
Hmm, yeah. That is one of my rather creepy side. :-)
I know I haven't posted for a while, but I just got my new fancy laptop as an early birthday gift! So, now that I have some free time, all I need is ideas.
I started this blog because I just needed to talk. Talk about things I couldn't talk about with just anyone. Getting everything out has been really helpful, it gave me courage, made me stronger. Whenever I was angry or in a bad mood, I would just write and you can't imagine how relaxed I used to feel after each post. Your comments were the best part though. Every time I read a comment I felt my loneliness fade away. It is great to know that I'm not the only one that had to go through all these problems. Your advices helped me see the bright side of everything and become a better person.
My friends also saw that change in me. It wasn't easy for them to go through that either. Now that they learned to deal with all this, I am happy to say that they are now here for me. That's why I haven't been posting much lately. When I need to talk, I can just call someone. Really, I would have never imagined anyone listening to my babbling. I stop thinking while talking when I'm angry or happy.
No, this is not a goodbye post. I just wanted to thank each and everyone of you because you took the time to read what I really wanted to say, because you took the time to leave a comment, because you made my day a little brighter, because you made me smile.
Now that I have nothing else to say about me, I would really love it if you could tell me what you want me to post about. Just leave a comment or email me.
