Dont forget to read part 1 and part 3!
Why did I stop pretending?
Have you ever kept a secret for so long, buried it so deep inside of you that your lie became your reality, that lying became intuitive?
I never wanted that for me! But I knew that I was slowly starting to lose my identity, my reality... myself!
That's when I started looking for blogs, forums or whatever; just to be myself for a couple of minutes every day.
But that of course wasn't enough...
I knew I had to come out, but one thing stopped me from doing so.
Coming out in Lebanon means being ready to see the people you could always count on abandon you, ready to risk everything you have.
People gossip, a lot. Men, women, teenagers, adults.
Sometimes you can't even trust your best friend.
I wondered; why should I take this risk? What's in it for me?
But then I went to Spain, after gay marriage has been legalized. I've walked in the streets of Madrid, where two men can hold each other’s arm, where they can hug or even kiss, where they sit together in the park without anyone judging them or making any comments.
And then I went to England, alone with a friend. That's where I lived the life I've always dreamed of.
No more lies, just myself. No hate, just open-minded people and tolerance.
Now that I've seen what my life was like, out of the closet, when I realized what I was missing by pretending being someone I wasn't, I decided that I had to tell my friends.
The risk couldn't stop be anymore.
The risk? What risk? Lose a couple of friends and survive bullying?
This was nothing! Nothing compared to the risk of losing the happiest years of my life, trying to keep a secret that will one day be revealed.
Where did I find strength to come out?
I knew I had two choices.
Live my life pretending to be straight, pretending to be happy;
Or take all the risks it takes to be myself, and keep in mind that it gets better, that one day I will get to my brighter future, the future I dream of.
i figured it out when i went to montreal and hung out with my cousin's gay friends, and we talked and laughed and i was myself that whole trip, no pretending, i came out to my cousin's mom (who is canadian) and then my uncle, who is her dad. they all told me they've known all along, it was sort of freeing, i could finally stop lying.
ReplyDeletelove your story
so, how many people is it that matter in the coming out process? the top 5 loved ones? top 10? to 20? close family? extended family? where does it stop, does it mean telling without people asking, or only not lying when asked?
ReplyDelete@Ralph, Life outside of Lebanon can really change you! Discovering that someone knew all this time might be freeing, but don't you ask yourself; if they knew, who else knows?
ReplyDelete@Sam, It's not the number that matter. Five of my friends already know but there are a lot of my close friends who have no idea! I guess it stops when you can just be yourself with anyone! When you can stop pretending, and stop lying.
yeah i always ask myself that.. i just dont think i'd want to know the answer, for now at least. all my close friends know, and that's enough for now.
ReplyDeleteCourage
Hey Mazen,
ReplyDeleteSorry if I looked uncomfortable on Thursday, it's just that Eric have no idea about this blog or about my sexuality!
This happened after I came out to myself and after I was okay with who I am.
I guess I needed some time out of Lebanon to realize how the life I was missing looked like!
I hope you're right, I think I lost my trust in some people after listening to them talking about homosexuality!
Thank you for your comment! :-)
...and I promise to be more careful next time. :)
ReplyDeleteWe see that tolerance on the news, on TV, every day. But this was not enough for me! Experiencing acceptance was something hard to ignore!
ReplyDeleteLet's hope that someday the Lebanese community will be open-minded and ready to give us the rights we deserve. Maybe that day, coming out in Lebanon will be easier for everyone!