Thursday, November 25, 2010

Bad Luck...

So yesteday, I was watching Glee on the laptop, in my bed. I turn around to punch my pillow and BAM the laptop falls from my laps, on the floor! It made weird noises then shut down :(
And it's not even mine, it's my dad's! But he can't be mad at me cause I got my grades and I'm first of my class! Yays!

That's why now I'm writing on my iPod (I can't type on this thing)! And using the wi-fi is killing my battery and I can't live without my music!

But my back luck doesn't stop here! This morning at 6am, half asleep, my iPod fell from my hands and BOOM, the screen is broken! But it's still working, which is weird... And aparently replacing the screen is as expensive as buying a new iPod... :(

Anyway, I don't know how long it will be until I get the laptop back, so please excuse the lack of new posts this upcoming week :|

I'm not going to read this again so it might be full of typos and errors, I just need to save my battery :O!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Coming Out - 3

Don't forget to read part 1 and part 2!

Accepting yourself for who you are is still something you have to deal with internally, alone. It's something you can control, but coming out to your friends is something you can't plan, you always have to expect the unexpected and deal with your friend's reaction.
Of course there are some friends you can trust, someone you know will understand you and always be there for you.

That friend for me was C.
When I came back from England, my friends saw that change in me, I couldn't pretend anymore. I told C that I had something important to tell her but I couldn't do it in front of her. So I waited until one day we were chatting on MSN to tell her. I was scared and stressed, she first asked if I was joking, a reaction that I expected. Then when she finally took me seriously, she directly told me that nothing mattered to her, that I was still the friend she always knew. :-)

It wasn't until a couple of weeks later that I told another friend, S. We met at the mall and spent the afternoon together then I told her. She stopped and looked at me. I guess that wasn't very subtle! She took more time to accept it, but again, nothing changed in our friendship.
I guess girls can accept their friend's homosexuality easier than guys.

The first guy I came out, J, didn't react in a good way at all. Again, we were chatting online and I told him. He said he needed time, so I gave him time. I mean it took me 15 years to get over it, he could have all the time he needed.
I asked him two things, two simple things. Try to keep this for himself and accept me for who I am.

Three days later, I was talking to S about it;
'Maybe he told someone!'
'Noo he would never do that!'
Then she randomly hung up and called me 5 minutes later, telling me that he told my best friend, A about it.
I knew A was homophobic, he told me he thought that being gay was a mental disease so I wanted to take my time to break the news to him. Weirdly enough, he's the one whose reaction shocked me the most, in a good way.
I was talking to him later, told him I was sorry he had to heard it from J and that I was planning on telling him
as soon as possible. His answer? 'I knew it!'

More than a year ago, I came out to him, he told me I wasn't gay, he told me it was just a phase, he told me he didn't believe me. I forgot all about that! But, he did believe me after all. Even if he doesn't understand me, A accepted me and is really cool about my sexuality! We spent some time together that week, talking and I realized that I couldn't wish for a better friend. He has always been there for me.

J on the other hand has been a total jerk, an asshole. He told C that he tried to 'change me', to 'make me straight again'. He destroyed our friendship, but were we really friends?
How can a friend act like this?
He is the kind of guy that depends on his manhood. The kind of guy who uses 'gay' as an insult (and he still
doesn't bother using it in front of me).

So here's the example of a friend, and the example of a jerk.
A friend can change; he would do anything to accept you for who you are.
A jerk doesn't even know who he is, he expect you to just be there when he needs you, when he isn't even here when you need him.
Anyway, who is he to accept me or not? Am I some kind of issue he has to live with? I'm sick of waiting to see if he's going to talk to me again one day. He doesn't deserve a friend like me.

The last friend I came out to was Rita. I've never really been close to her but I knew that she couldn't react badly! The woman would give her life to protect LGBT rights! (No she's not gay!) I told her that I wanted to write a blog and then sent her the link to my first post. After she read it she was like;
'Oh! You're gay! I had no idea! That's cool!'

Coming out to my friends was the best thing that ever happened to me. I got closer to some of them, got to know them better and better. But I also realized that I was better off without some people.
So... That's it! I hope that this will be helpful to some of you who are still unsure.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Yum, yum...!

I'm in heaven!
I just had the best dinner ever!

I went downtown to buy macaroons from LaDurée, gosh, it's expensive!
Three macaroons for LL10,500! But it's totally worth it!
The shop is so luxurious and beautiful! I cried when I got in, cried!
Then I got my cell phone and started taking pictures! Wow... It's paradise for me.

Framboise, Caramel and Mimosa...!
It's so beautiful :'(

Then, I went to Classic Burger Joint, Sodeco. It's the best burger in the country! The fries are awesome, and I love their honey mustard! P-:

The owner is opening a Pizza Joint next to it! I can't wait! 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Undercover at a Christian Gay-to-Straight Conversion Camp

This article (Read it here) is shocking, disturbing, maybe even disgusting but unfortunately, it shows a reality. It shows how far people are willing to go, to please their family, to live the life everyone expects them to live.
They are ready to forget their identity, forget who they are, ignore their feelings.
Journey into Manhood is the initiation into the mysterious world of heterosexual masculinity that has supposedly eluded us for so long.
 Growing up in a Christian family and going to a Christian school, I can guess how these people must feel.
Your goal in life is to have a perfect family, a wife, and kids, take over your dad's business, live in a beautiful house outside the city, take your children every Sunday to church, teach them how to pray every night before going to bed, and expect them to have the exact same life you had.
I lived with those expectations, this pressure, to please my parents in any way I could. But sometimes you are not who they want you to be, you are not the perfect son they expect you to be.
You are perfect, in another way.
The idea behind Healing Touch is to recreate the father-son bond that apparently we missed as children.
Why do people have this annoying idea? They think that being gay is caused by a troubling childhood, by some problems.
Same-sex attraction is not an issue you have to deal with. It's a reality you have to accept.
The problem is people like them, denying the fact that homosexuality is real and that it's nothing abnormal.
Your sexual orientation has nothing to do with the way you were raised:
And yet, despite being raised by an abusive, spiritually castrated father, I have a strong preference for women.

The mix between manhood and heterosexuality is clear from the name of the Gay-to-Straight conversion camp: "Journey into Manhood".
Each staff man follows the act of the first. They say nothing for a few seconds. Once I’m feeling completely awkward, the question comes, open-ended and something to do with men or masculinity, or my reason for attending: What makes a man? How do you know you’re a man? Why are you here?
I am a man! I can be manlier than any straight man you have ever seen! How can they make people believe that their sexual attraction has anything to do with their manhood! It is outrageous! All these false ideas that religion put into someone's mind!
Please know that I do not blame the Bible or anything, it's just that people make up rules just to feel good about themselves, just to look perfect.
I've read a lot of passages from the Bible and I can't remember anything that mentions homosexuality.

I'm gay, and I'm proud, and I will never let anyone ever feel superior to me, I will never let anyone question my manhood, and I will never let anyone make me feel like some sort of troubled teenager who went through a confusing childhood.
I'm not a machine you can switch from gay to straight.
The only expectations I'm going to live up to are mine!

Back in time...

I was in the car with my parents yesterday, and they turned the radio on to Nostalgie's Classique 80.
They got all overexcited and my father told me: "Yiii haydoleh men eyyemna! Anna ou emmak kenna ner'oss aala hal agheneh!"
My mom started singing and dancing in the car!

I love old music!  People are listening to noise these days! Where did all the creativity go? Music is not an art anymore...
Why are all the new songs depressing and annoying? Music is not supposed to give you a headache!
When I listen to Nostalgie I get hyperactive and happy! It cheers me up and makes me want to dance!

I was curious and wanted to know more, so I asked my dad about life during the 80s in Lebanon.
There was an awkward silence, and then he turned around and told me: "Kenna rayhin jeyin ben Jbeil w Beirut..."
War... I completely forgot about that!
The eighties, the parties every night, the weird and creepy dance moves, the disco... all of that was just a dream in Lebanon...

When I came back home I started downloading all the songs I heard on the radio:
Call me - Blondie
I Am What I Am - Gloria Gainor
Happy Together - The Turtles
Video Killed the Radio Star - The Buggles
... And a lot of Ace of Base, Bee Gees and Cher!

But I want more songs! I need more songs!
I'm going through a phase, and it's not the first time.
Last year I had Funky Town stuck in my head for 3 month...
I slept at 5AM yesterday listening and downloading more and more music!

Any suggestion? ;-D

Friday, November 12, 2010

Coming Out - 2

Dont forget to read part 1 and part 3!

Why did I stop pretending?

Have you ever kept a secret for so long, buried it so deep inside of you that your lie became your reality, that lying became intuitive?
I never wanted that for me! But I knew that I was slowly starting to lose my identity, my reality... myself!
That's when I started looking for blogs, forums or whatever; just to be myself for a couple of minutes every day.
But that of course wasn't enough...

I knew I had to come out, but one thing stopped me from doing so.
Coming out in Lebanon means being ready to see the people you could always count on abandon you, ready to risk everything you have.
People gossip, a lot. Men, women, teenagers, adults.
Sometimes you can't even trust your best friend.
I wondered; why should I take this risk? What's in it for me?

But then I went to Spain, after gay marriage has been legalized. I've walked in the streets of Madrid, where two men can hold each other’s arm, where they can hug or even kiss, where they sit together in the park without anyone judging them or making any comments.
And then I went to England, alone with a friend. That's where I lived the life I've always dreamed of.
No more lies, just myself. No hate, just open-minded people and tolerance.
Now that I've seen what my life was like, out of the closet, when I realized what I was missing by pretending being someone I wasn't, I decided that I had to tell my friends.
The risk couldn't stop be anymore.
The risk? What risk? Lose a couple of friends and survive bullying?
This was nothing! Nothing compared to the risk of losing the happiest years of my life, trying to keep a secret that will one day be revealed.

Where did I find strength to come out?
I knew I had two choices.
Live my life pretending to be straight, pretending to be happy;
Or take all the risks it takes to be myself, and keep in mind that it gets better, that one day I will get to my brighter future, the future I dream of.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Let your colors burst!

Thanks to a post by Beirut Boy, I discovered Katy Perry's marvelous music!
No, she doesn't write songs about love and about prince charming. She tries to deal with the issues that everyone faces in his everyday life.
Even in her song Firework, dedicated to the 'It Gets Better' campaign, she displays other issues than gay-bullying.

Her music video (watch it here) includes a kid watching his parents fighting, a child with cancer, an insecure teenager... and of course, the gay kiss that lead to all those homophobic comments!
If you hate gay people that much why do you bother watching the video and leaving a comment?
This video is supposed to make teenagers, suicidal teenagers, feel better about their sexuality! Help them ignore bullying and all the issues they have to deal with because they are different!

Everyone, starting from the first kings of Hungary who brought Christianity and morals to this country. And now that whore is shooting fireworks from her tits in front of Buda Castle and dancing with gays! ...Think about it, is that normal?
Again, what does Christianity have to do with homosexuality?
Morals? I think that includes not hating someone because he is different!
Yes! She is shooting fireworks from her tits! And I love her for it!
And yes it is normal! Hating is not normal! Loving your brothers and sisters is!

Everyone is unique and wonderful! Everyone could amaze you; you just have to ignite the light, open the door.

This is magic!
Hell yeah! Dancing with the gays she is!

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Coming Out - 1

Don't forget to read part 2 and part 3!

It took me a while to write this story down, but I wanted it to be perfect: Honest and helpful...

Sharing coming out stories became a trend on the internet, on YouTube, and social networks. But I searched and searched through the Lebanese blogsphere and couldn't find anything related to coming out.

So I thought of taking the initiative, sharing my experience, in hope that others will do so.
I find this very useful for unsure people, because it has been useful to me. Reading about other people's experience, comparing it with your own, can make you discover things you never noticed about your life.
That's why I am writing about my coming out, even if only some of my close friends know about my sexuality.
I will tell you, how I came out to myself, where I found the courage to come out to my friends and how I did so.

How did I accept myself? I really can't answer that question precisely. I guess I have never seen myself as different when I was younger. I have never seen myself as 'gay'. Maybe because my friends didn't start showing interest in woman, maybe because I thought that I was going through some kind of phase.
Well that was before I was around 14. This is when my friends started talking about that girl's boobs, that girl's ass, or that girl's whatever. I never really paid attention to that.
My father made me realize I was gay. He was talking to my sister about homosexuality. My father is very religious... extremely religious. I still remember what he said: "Bi 'arfouneh haydoleh! Hayda chi mich tabi3eh! C'est contre les lois de la nature! Akid Allah ma khala'on hek..."
(They disgust me! It is unnatural, against the laws of nature. I'm sure that God didn't create them like this.)
I don't know why, but after this I realized that I wasn't going through any phase, that I shouldn't ignore my feelings anymore, that I had to try to find who I am.

You might notice that this is only a part of my coming out. I am writing this very slowly, trying to pay attention to every detail.
I also didn't want to keep my blog empty for too long, so I decided to post what I came up with so far.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Night of the AdEaters.

When I first heard about it, I wasn't so interested... For me, ads always meant bathroom breaks while watching a show on TV.

Well, that was before tonight! This event really surprised me, in a good way!
I never thought advertisement could be such an art. The ads were creative and original. Funny, amusing, touching and even shocking, each and every one of them took my breath away!
From 1980 to 2010, ads for all kind of products and from all over the world were showed.

I also enjoyed free donuts, coffee and condoms! Hurray!
Unfortunately they had the bad idea to give out horns and baloons to everyone. Whenever people liked the ad, hated it, or even if they just got bored, they starting blowing in their stupid horn.

They also started with the best , leaving the most boring till the end. So I left before the show ended. I hope I didn't miss anything worth it. I was exhausted! Even after drinking two coffees...

And I still am, exhausted! And it's 2AM, so I should probably go to bed...

Good night :-)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Homosexuality in Lebanon - Tahkik on MTV

This show was disturbing and off topic.

Instead of focusing on discrimination, on the violation of our rights, Tahkik talked about homosexuality, like if it was a disease (Yes, they used the D-word), interviewing a very badly informed doctor and a psychologist...

They talked about online dating, and about the guy's role in bed! How is this supposed to help the Lebanese LGBT community who is still fighting for their rights?
Why do you need to talk about sex? How is this going to grab the straight viewers' attention? 
How many Lebanese gay men are online? No need to know this either! How to get a guy's phone number? Uh huh, no!

Talking about a gay dating website

They showed hanged people in Iraq! How are people going to react to this? Pity? We don't need your pity!

The only thing I appreciated was that a gay man, a transgendered woman and a gay couple talked on national TV. Even though the couple didn't want to show their face, I thought it was really brave! 

I went to bed after Randa's testimony, sleepy and disappointed, but I read all of LebLGBTMonitor's tweets and re tweets who did a great job motivating everyone to talk and write about it. :-)

Another thing that disappointed me (more like disgusted me) was all of the homophobic comments I read while watching the show online.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Homophobia, back again....

Remember that project I posted about? My group had to choose a theme to work on it during 9 month... And we chose homosexuality.
It took me ages to convince everyone to work on that, and now everything is falling apart.

My friend just called me, he told me his father didn't accept that his son work on something illegal and wrong like this. That is was unacceptable that the school administration let us choose this subject. He even told him he was going to call the director and tell him all that.

He didn't let his son call Helem, we had to take an appointment and try to get more information about this organization. I thought I could make this year great, try to help the LGBT Lebanese community, after all it has gone through.
Were my expectations too high?

Now my friend promised his dad that he was going to either change the subject, or just change his group.
I never thought this would ever happen... I was too confident, I believed that my friends were going to help me, and support me. But he changed his mind. I understand him... His father must really be homophobic, probably more than mine.

I thought that I could make a difference. My teacher gave me hope, but in a christian school like mine, I don't think this will ever happen.
But I can't fight anymore, not now that I'm all alone.

I just have to give up.

Monday, November 1, 2010


I love Halloween!
It's the day I get to dress up like an idiot without anyone making any comment,
rip and cut t-shirts and jeans,
paint my cloths,
try on a lot of wigs,
use my mom's make up,
draw on my face and hands.

This year I was a hippie! It was so cool :-D I cut a 'peace and love' sign in a white t-shirt and wore a red one under it, I took an old jeans and started cutting it and throwing paint on it.
I wore my red socks for the first time ever! Then I took my mom's ribbon box (I don't know why she has a box like this) and put them all over me: On my head, on my hands, on my t-shirt, on my jeans... I had like 20 of them, each one had a different color! Then, I took my friend's pen and drew a huge rainbow on my hand! I also drew a peace and love sign on my face :-)

I went to this party next to the Forum, it was in a factory! To get there, you had to go in a huge elevator, the kind of which they use for cars and stuffs, and it was really creepy cause it made a lot of noise and it was shaking a lot. It was cool, almost everyone was dressed up! There were some weird costumes: a tampon, a cow and a Smurf. There were also some typical sexy Hawaiians, cowboys and cowgirls, vampires, ghosts, etc.

But my favorite costume was my friend's sister who bought a Lady Gaga dress that looked a bit like this:

She also wore a white wig with awesome make up and very, very high heels. It was totally EPIC!